Linux: It That Betrays
2019-11-10
One of the fantastic things about Linux is that it’s a tremendously stable operating system that will run for years and years without needing to reboot, until you update something, then there’s a 1% chance that everything breaks, you have no basic idea what or why, and you have to fireburn your hard drive and restore from an offsite backup so you can recover your extensive collection of fetwill beh pornography. I see why system admins get paid a hundred grand a year to run a script once in a while. So the legendarily stable operating system that requires a tactical nuke to recover from minor granny porn videos errors.
This shit happens to me every six months, and fifty percent the period I possess simply no idea why. It’s about installing updates from the official respositories and then finding your desktop environment won’t let you log in on reboot without an error message as to why. It’s not about pasting some dodgy code from Stack Exchange and finding your networking permissions got buggered, therefore denying you gain access to to the unlimited shops of information and porn material that will be the Web.
Several years ago I pointed out you had to open up a terminal to change your taskbar position on Ubuntu, which will be why Linux shall in no way, actually turn out to be well-known for the normal user. Try telling your grandmother how to drop into TTS and fix X server issues, launch into GRUB on reboot, and use Bash and nano to scrape through error logs trying to figure out what magic words will soothe the broken OS into booting into GUI land and let me look at my fucking porn.
The stupid thing is, I couldn’t do any of that garbage, and I’ve been using Linux for the past three years. Do you know how large the “Linux in a Nutshell” book will be? I recently contributed to Humble Bundle to download some O’Reilly guides on Linux, which compared to Humble Bundle’s usual fare is like Michael Phelps dropping in on the preschool kiddie pool party and giving everyone hits off Lance Armstrong’s stash. 917 cunting pages! That’s more than I have in all my tiddy magazines! If that’s a nutshell, after that those tiddies are usually conservatively-sculpted.
What type of loser has the time to read an aviation manual’s worth of detail more fetishistic than a necrophile’s snuff film stash about the pet project of some Finnish fuck? IBM ’members Red Hat… Don’t worry, though. The Year of the Linux Desktop I’m sure 2020 will be, right after 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, 1999, 1998, 1997, 1996, and 1995. ’Member Red Hat? Why provides it been thirty years of Linux distributions and derivatives and there hasn’t ended up a company who thought it a bit of a hassle to make the end user deal with such a finicky operating system that only occasionally pisses itself and dies?
Who writes this shit, anyway? Shouldn’t we have the dolphin-dick dildo before shoving our asses into the twelve-inch horse cock? Linux Mint comes with a startup screen telling you to use the Timeshift program to backup your files when the system inevitably goes tits-up, but go fuck yourself once you possess to use the terminal three femtoseconds later. You see these absolutely gigantic tomes dedicated to boring technical topics when grandma would much rather be reading about crocheting patterns and the granny section on Xhamster.
Hell, I ’member when Windows 8 came with a five-minute tutorial when it was still intuitive without it. Hey. Listen. You people out there? You normies who were bitching about Windows 8 being “too hard” and refusing to update from Home windows 7 because of your preconceived notions of an interface you never used? Fuck you. The start menu was customisable, the Metro applications were friendly, and you only slightly had to give up the soul of your firstborn child to use it to browse the granny section on Xhamster.
You people out there? Tomorrow If you died, I would not attend your funeral, because they’re also dull and costly and I’m become vibin’ with homies instead, like that song KRS-One made abaway watching videos. I wonder what type of videos they were watching? Pornographic Maybe…? Ooh, naughty! Tee-hee. Hee. MacOS Even, for the desperate truly? Despite Windows 8 being usable? Who now bitch about Home windows 10 becoming absolute fucking dogshit to the point of putting advertisements in the file explorer? You are scum. You are hypocrites. Despite Linux there being out? BSD? Amiga? Android? DOS? Plan 9 from Bell Labs?
Alright, yes, we has been got by you. Well, I didn’t lose it all, but it would be funnier if I did. The subtext was found by you! Porn! Asses! Pussy! Nips! BIG STRONKING TITTIES! It was shed by me ALL! I wanted to show it to them, so they could stop me and I would lastly cease catfishing them for foot pictures. Grandma’s going to become pissed when she learns how to type “apt upgrade” (Froge Note: thank you to my friend “dont credit me” who fixed a typo) and then finds out her finely-curated collection of totally-heterosexual firefighter calendars got lost in the chaos when Linux instituted its own version of The Purge. Heck, I’m pissed. I dropped that composition I produced where I acquired intercourse with my buddy’beds My Small Horse first personality.
I finally understand it. Windows? Linux? A grape with a Lightning port? I’ve discovered the truth lastly. The Operating-system Wars today nasty nothing at all to me, because We’ve discovered a new average – and as a result correct – place on which operating program is the best instantly. I have reached enlightment. I’m going to smoke gay weed and marry my guns now, because I’m too weak-willed to possess strong ideas about Wot I Think about arbitrarily topics that are ultimately unimportant and which I write about regardless to stop myself from being alone with my thoughts. They all suck. Fuck you for having opinions.
Windows is the Devil. You know he’s evil, you know he’s going to fuck you, you know he only has hwill be best interests in mind. But you keep making deals with him regardless because he runs that run obscure game from your childhood which was never good but you maintain convincing yourself it is because it’s better than facing the ever-increasing pile of unpaid bills on your coffee table, which is a perfectly fair price to pay for having every single keystroke you’ve ever inputted recorded by the American government – and the Chinese and Russian governments, since the Home windows security model is so slipshod that privilege esclation attacks get dwill becovered and fixed during each mornings coffee break.
Linux is like that ex-lover you had who was never interested in intimacy but was willing to fuck you mwill besionary-style in the most functional way. All it takes is for the right combination of thoughts in his head to collide, and the next time you go to bed with cum in your pussy, you’ll wake up to the CBC covering a vehicular terrorist attack against a Black church before you notice your car keys are missing. Nothing sets him off like in your other abusive relationships, but you usually obtain the sensation he’h concealing something scary, like he doesn’t believe in global warming and spends his free time writing about how homosexuals are pedophiles.
And macOS? Well, we don’t talk about macOS much. Because we can. Hah. Yes, it would create our lifestyles less complicated if he lastly slain himself therefore we could steal his patents, but there is something cute about having the bastard child of Unix and a domestic abuser around as the token dwill beabled person. The only reason he’s in the discussion is end up beingcause he found hwill be dad’s gun that one time and started to post about drinking nail polish on Twitter. We will all giggle at you Today, macOS. Haha. Hah. He’s a little depressed.
Let’s be fair to poor Linux, the underdog of the computing world installed on only 73% of smartphones, 66% of all Web servers, and 100% of the top 500 most powerful supercomputers in the world, the New York Stock Exchange, and the International Space Station. Instead, do what my friends do, which is boot from a LiveCD for two hours, get upset they can’t install Photoshop, and then denigrate Linux forever all the while claiming that Windows works perfectly fine for them and people who use Linux are just contrarian hipsters. Don’t let my off-the-cuff rants of a minor – well, major, if not catastrophic depending on use-case – issue that unfortunately affected some scrub like me who didn’t git gud and read all 917 pages of a third-party manual I had to pay a minimum of $20 for dissuade you from using the best operating system suitable for people of all walks of life.
Rest easy, Microsoft. The Season of the Linux Desktop computer may possess been recently upon us for the past fifteen decades, but you’ll always be able to profit off the “complete fucking retard” demographic.
